Representatives of the Amish community today expressed shocking indifference to the plight of 15 British citizens that inadvertently strayed into Pennsylvania “Dutch country” and immediately sought to surrender to the giant paper-mache “Amish Guy” statue. Speaking at a hastily called press conference the “detainees” appeared well fed and rested and “deeply regretted” their action.
Despite repeated pleas from the U.S. State Department, representatives of House Speaker Nancy Pelosi at first announced today that her Middle East trip would be cut short in order to intervene on the “detainees” behalf. The announcement was later retracted when informed that the Amish people are peaceful and non-violent.
“Make no mistake about it. Negotiating with non-terrorists is not on the table,” her press secretary boldly pronounced. “This is just another example of the failure of the Bush administrations policy of non-appeasement.”
Pennsylvania representative John Murtha(D) called for the immediate withdrawal and cutoff of all funding of the Amish from the occupied “Dutch country” as a means to defuse the crisis. “That’s the 50,000, I mean, 64,000 dollar question,” when asked if the Amish even received any funds from the U.S. government. “I’m not interested…at this point,” he continued, [If] we do business for a while, maybe I’ll be interested, maybe I won’t.”