Tidy Whities

Massachusetts Senator John Kerry, stung by recent criticism of his joke-telling ability, today announced at a hastily called press conference that he had been mugged at a local ATM. “It’s all a little fuzzy,” he pronounced, “but I’m certain it was by a 6′ 4″ heavy set Republican.”

As the crowd of assembled reporters audibly gasped, the Senator displayed the  bright red letter “B” on his cheek. “I’m pretty certain I was fondled, too. After I came to, I discovered a Sarah Palin photograph in my ‘tidy whities’.

The Senator further described how he drove his 1931 Bugatti Royale Kellner Coupe to his local bank, where a Republican appeared out of nowhere and demanded $60 dollars and that he replace his prominent “Save The Whales” bumper sticker with a “Drill Baby, Drill” one. As Matt Drudge sped from the room to file his internet report, Kerry described his terror at being so close to an actual Republican. “I haven’t seen one of them since 1989 and I was pretty sure I was on the “good” side of the town,” he explained. As the assembled reporters began talking of gathering torches and pitchforks Kerry appealed for calm.

While I have heard rumors that there is actually one Republican left in the state, let us not let our emotions get the better of us,” he said. “Despite the vile nature of the crime, I am sure with the proper lengthy incarceration and re-education, we can bring this individual back into societal norms.

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