The U.S. Capitol Police force is on full alert today, guarding the cliffs and promontories along the Potomac River. Reports of a large scale lemming migration into the Capitol area has many seasoned officers on edge.
“Of course I’m nervous. No telling what those critters will do if they line up right behind each other and head toward the Potamac,” said Officer Barn E. Fife of the force. “We’ve all had our environmental training courses on the four-year migration pattern. I swear I haven’t seen many of them the last eight years, but for some reason this year could be huge.”
Marine Biologist G. Costanza, famous for his research in Onanism, expressed concern. “It’s difficult to predict where the mass migrations will take them, but when you have cliffs and water, it can be a deadly combination. Hopefully, if they do gather, they can be corralled back into some containment area, fed, and then released. They’re fascinating to observe in their native environment. They seem to pick the unlikeliest leader, and then follow in lock-step behind him. Right over the cliff. It’s quite a sight.”
Not everyone has such a kindly opinion of the lemmings. One bystander, who requested only to be identified as “Citizen Dick” said, “They were a thorn in my side four years ago, then four years before that.”