Posts Tagged ‘Satire’

Obama Approval Rating “Off The Chart”

January 21, 2009

Winston Smith, spokesperson for the Office Of The President-Elected and Ministry of Truth, today released raw numbers on the latest Presidential Approval poll, and declared that, “while they still need to be tweaked a bit, they will be higher than 100%. My job depends on it,” he declared.

When reminded that a number higher than 100% is statistically impossible, Mr. Smith informed the assembled press that the Guantanamo “detainees,” as future law-abiding American citizens, had not been able to be included in the pollsĀ  and, in a curious aside, mumbled, “Sanity is not statistical.”

“Once we are able to assimilate these individuals into American society, we are certain they will set aside their demand for Islamic dominance across the planet and become card-carrying Democrats and peaceful American citizens,” he insisted. When informed that most former “detainees” had, upon release, resumed global jihad, Mr. Smith stated that that information on such “unpersons” was “ungood” and in the process of “going down the memory hole” and would shortly be no longer factual.

“The purpose of this administration is to control the present. The past is in the process of revision. When that is complete, we can control the future,” Mr. Smith lectured. His remarks were met with a standing ovation from the assembled throng of reporters.

U.S. Capitol Police On Alert

January 20, 2009

The U.S. Capitol Police force is on full alert today, guarding the cliffs and promontories along the Potomac River. Reports of a large scale lemming migration into the Capitol area has many seasoned officers on edge.

“Of course I’m nervous. No telling what those critters will do if they line up right behind each other and head toward the Potamac,” said Officer Barn E. Fife of the force. “We’ve all had our environmental training courses on the four-year migration pattern. I swear I haven’t seen many of them the last eight years, but for some reason this year could be huge.”

Marine Biologist G. Costanza, famous for his research in Onanism, expressed concern. “It’s difficult to predict where the mass migrations will take them, but when you have cliffs and water, it can be a deadly combination. Hopefully, if they do gather, they can be corralled back into some containment area, fed, and then released. They’re fascinating to observe in their native environment. They seem to pick the unlikeliest leader, and then follow in lock-step behind him. Right over the cliff. It’s quite a sight.”

Not everyone has such a kindly opinion of the lemmings. One bystander, who requested only to be identified as “Citizen Dick” said, “They were a thorn in my side four years ago, then four years before that.”